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Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Never Go Full Retard
11:42 PM | 
Posted by
The I.I. |
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
Never Go Full Retard
Over the past several days a few people have been complaining about my use of the word “retarded” in reference to the thugs that emptied a clip in front of my house last Saturday night. Somebody called me a “disrespectful ass”, another person called me a “honky”, and it’s been inferred that I’m ignorant and a bigot.
Lucky for me that I’m not nearly as sensitive to being labeled, heckled, or called names as my thin-skinned critics. I have a response to all of this. For those of you that are simply looking to be offended for the sake of being offended; just to complain about me instead of paying attention to the issues this blog discusses... I offer you this video, enjoy!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Consequences and Thuggery
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
1st Up: Consequences and Thuggery
My nerves are still rattled from last night’s gun shots. Either the gun toting thugs will get run out, or I’ll get a heart attack from the stress of living next to them. I talk like this because having my house riddled with bullets affects me that way.
It’s fairly clear to me that the people at 2201 Irving were involved in last night’s shooting. To what degree I don’t know. There are simply too many reasons—search 2201 Irving in this blog—that cause my finger to point in their general direction. Well, enough speculating, I say. Let’s go for a look to see what’s going on at the corner of Irving and Compton.
I stepped outside and I see this. (See picture below) Activity at Steven Meldahl’s empty burn house; fascinating. Nobody goes into that house… I mean nobody. Whoever they were, it looks like they were just wrapping things up. Time to move on.
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| Six years of nothing; now we've got visitors at Steven Meldahl's burned out crack house. |
I turned and started to head towards Irving. As I passed 2201 Irving, I had seen the usual trash on the boulevard. I am obligated to contact 311 when I see such indiscretions; littering is illegal. As soon as I pushed the button, a couple of thugs ran out the front door and starting screaming and cursing at me. This didn’t seem like the usual thuggery at work. This guy seemed really worked up, which is strange because I had never seen him before. While he was screaming at me, calling me a racist, calling me a mother fucker, saying he was going to beat my ass; he mentioned that the thug van parked in front of me belongs to him. Apparently he’s still raw about the fact that his van was towed for being illegally parked in the back yard. Well, I can imagine life is tougher when you break the law and get caught and have to suffer the consequences. That really doesn’t concern me, so I will file that one under “Not My Problem” and forget about it.
I kept moving down the sidewalk and they ran around their yard, shouting at me. The guy up front—dude who drives the CHIMO thug van—reminded me of a terrified dog. His behavior was just like some nasty dog that didn’t know how to handle the situation. When he wasn’t calling me a racist, or mother fucker, or threatening to beat my ass; he was talking about how I need to leave his family alone. Strange… I don’t even know the family he’s referring to. All I do is take pictures of law breaking things like littering, illegal parking, and drug deals; and then report them.
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| 2201 Irving Ave N: Garbage next to the thug van. Absolutely no pictures allowed! |
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| 2207 Irving Ave N: Halloween was last month. Clean your shit up! |
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| 2207 Irving Ave N: Nice touch with the wheel in the front yard; very ghetto fabulous. |
I walked around the block, and called the police as I emerged from the other side of the alley on to 22nd. A squad car showed up in front of my house lightning fast. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t anything the cops could do. People threatening to beat your ass aren’t intervention worthy. You actually have to get your ass physically beaten before the Police can help you. Not that I’m trying to rag on the cops, but that’s more or less like closing the barn door after the horse has come home. The point is, the horse isn’t supposed to get out in the first place; just like I don’t want to get my ass beat, especially now that law enforcement knows there’s a problem.
Jerk Du Jour: Clueless Idiots at 2201 Irving Avenue North
After you’ve had the cops called on you, working on your car on the street has got to be the most brazen and stupid things you could do. It is illegal to perform car maintenance on the street; you’re supposed to be in the driveway or in your garage. In this case, those guys have an open driveway around back they can work on.
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| The guy on the right is the van owner / wants to beat my ass. |
Clueless Idiots at 2201 Irving Avenue North... Today's Jerks Du Jour!
Gun Shots On 22nd & Irving
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
1st Up: Gun Shots on 22nd & Irving
In front of my computer, I was doing some research on slumlord emperor, Steven F. Meldahl, when all of a sudden somebody emptied a clip of bullets real close to my home.
A dozen shots fired out one after the next, with the last one impacting my house. I felt a vibration in the walls and the sound of the house’s exterior being compromised. This incident occurred between 9:30 and 9:45 last night. I immediately called 911 and reported what happened. The dispatch person on the line told me a bunch of others had just called to report the same crime. They said they would send over a squad to take my report, and we hung up.
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| This wasn't from last night, but this is evidence that thugs will shoot anything! Anything! |
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| Like an old Navy cruiser, she's been shot up; but she'll hold. Me on the other hand?.. |
I put on my coat and walked outside. I went to my neighbor’s house and knocked on the door. They heard some gun shots but didn’t know where they came from. I walked back the other way towards 2201 Irving. They were having a house party with about a half dozen cars parked on the street. Somebody came out of the house there, and I asked them about the gun shots. They said they heard them but didn’t seem overly concerned about it.
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| It's like a receipt proving they were here. Thank goodness for that too |
The cops drove back and forth, looking for the culprits. About a half hour after the call in they showed up to my door. Apparently there were about 6 calls for this crime. We scanned the exterior of my house for the bullet hit, but it was too dark to tell.
I learned from the Police that there was a witness that saw a gang of teenagers at the Irving Triangle. The shooter was identified as a teenage woman. By the time I had gone outside to look for the crime scene, they had already gone. Not surprisingly, the party goers and their six vehicles left the scene soon after they had seen me pacing back and forth talking about the shooting. The Police speculated that they were involved in some way. They also mentioned that they balled a suspicious looking white Buick over on Hillside, packed with teenagers. Although that didn’t lead to anything, they also speculated some involvement from them as well.
In any event, I don’t like gun shots near my house, especially when they hit my house!
Jerk Du Jour: The Clip Emptying Shooter
This is the second time these dirt bags have pulled this stunt in front of my house. I'm not armed with a gun. Therefore if such an encounter were to ensue where a thug pulls a firearm on me, I wouldn't have a chance. I'm only armed with a camera, harsh language, and my superior intellect.
So here’s a message I would like to pass along to them.
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| The thug-national pass time. |
Dear retarded-short bus riding-high school drop-out-thugs,
I’m sure your poverty pimp friends will deliver this message to you. So undoubtedly it will be grossly misconstrued by the time it reaches you. We’re going to be upping Police patrols in this area; a zero tolerance policy will be implemented. Gun violence will not be tolerated in this neighborhood. If you have a problem with that… I suggest you go fuck yourself, because I don’t care about your opinion at this point. Oh by the way, you thought it was a hassle being pulled over on Broadway; just wait until you turn your tricked out, repo man’s delight, thug mobile onto this street. The days of gang banging and shenanigans and getting away with it are over!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Holiday Cooking: Cornish Game Hens
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
Holiday Cooking: Cornish Game Hens
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| Move over turkey, Cornish Game Hens are on the menu! |
Required Ingredients:
3 to 6 Cornish Game Hens
4 stems of rosemary leaves
½ cup of soy sauce
1 bottle of Riesling
1 box of rye crackers
1 box of table crackers
2 cups of raw almonds
2 cups of toasted pine nuts
4 cups of grated Parmesan cheese
4 stems of basil leaves
¼ pound of bay scallops
1 container of beef broth
This recipe is super expensive to make, but it’s off the hook. This is the kind of feast you make after your girl friend catches you sleeping with another woman, and you’re trying to win her back… Ok, maybe not. But seriously, this dish is what you feed your mother in law when you need the old bag to shut up… Ok, maybe not. I guarantee you will get laid after making this for your insignificant other… Ok, maybe not. I can guarantee that whoever eats this will love it and get some serious food coma.
Defrost your hens in water until ready. Place your trio of birds into a large bowl. Pour in the whole bottle of Riesling. Pour in your ½ cup of soy sauce, and rosemary. Stick your bowl of brining birds into the fridge and let sit for four hours.
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| The birds in the brine. |
Pour your pine nuts into a sauce pan and lightly toast them under medium heat until they start to brown. From there, pour the pine nuts into a large bowl. Mix in your basil, Parmesan cheese, almonds and crumble your crackers by hand into the bowl. Finally, add your bay scallops to the mixture. Take your mixture and place into the food processor. Run a pulse blend for about 3 to 5 seconds.
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| The processed mixture for the stuffing should look like this. |
Preheat the oven to 350. Remove your birds from the brine. Remove as much liquid from the inside of the birds as possible and then place into a baking dish. Take your raw stuffing mixture and pack as much as you can into the cavity of each of the birds. Pour the rest of the stuffing mixture into the baking dish. Take your beef broth and generously pour it over the birds and the exposed stuffing. Rub some olive oil, salt, and pepper onto the surface of the game hens.
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| Oh the anticipation is killing me! |
Place the game hens into the oven and bake for an hour and a half. When finished, the stuff you’re going to remove from the oven is pure heaven.
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| Ready to eat! |
Holiday Cooking: Butternut Squash Soup
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
Holiday Cooking: Butternut Squash Soup
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| Irving Inquisition's Butternut Squash Soup. |
Required Ingredients:
1 butternut squash
1 cup of finely chopped carrots
1 cup of finely chopped celery
2 cups of finely chopped yellow onion
4 stems of fresh sage
4 table spoons of honey
4 cups of skim milk
1 stick of butter
1 butternut squash
1 cup of finely chopped carrots
1 cup of finely chopped celery
2 cups of finely chopped yellow onion
4 stems of fresh sage
4 table spoons of honey
4 cups of skim milk
1 stick of butter
A few years back, I fed 22 people at Thanksgiving with this soup. There were no leftovers. Since then I’ve been working to perfect the recipe. This soup is a rich and hearty soup. Smooth and velvety, tastes heavenly, and will give you food coma.
Before you begin, put on some old Aaliyah, Rock the Boat, crank up the bass and set to repeat; it’s awesome cooking music. Start by chopping the squash in half. Clean out all of the seeds and coat the surface of the flesh of the squash with honey. Place the squash on to a baking tray. Stuff the pits of the squash with equal amounts of sage. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Flip the squash halves upside down onto the tray and roast.
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| Squash; prepped and coated with honey. |
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| Place on to the tray and stuff with sage. |
Allow at least 20 minutes of uninterrupted roasting. Afterwards, periodically check the progress of the squash by poking it with a fork. If the squash is easy to pierce, it’s done.
While the squash is roasting you will begin preparing your mirepoix. Finely chop 1 cup of carrots, 1 cup of celery, and 2 cups of onion. Melt a stick of butter in a skillet and begin sautéing your aromatics. Once your onions start to caramelize and appear translucent, remove your mirepoix from heat and place into the food processor. Continue processing until the mirepoix looks like baby food.
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| The mirepoix on heat. |
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| The mirepoix after being cooked and processed. |
In a pot, add four cups of skim milk and begin heating at medium heat. Stir in your mirepoix baby food mixture and allow it to simmer on low heat while occasionally stirring.
Remove your roasted butternut squash from the oven. Flip over the squash, hmmm that looks good. With a large spoon, scoop out the squash from its skin into the food processor. Don’t forget to add the sage into the food processor as well! Add two cups of water to the squash and sage into the food processor. Process until you’ve got more baby food.
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| That looks good! |
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| Squash, sage, and water... blend away! |
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| It should look like this. |
Stir in the squash and sage mixture into the simmering mirepoix. Add two more cups of water and continue stirring under low heat. Go ahead and add a small amount of salt to bring out the flavor. At this point you can add another two cups of water to thin the soup out a bit. Continue simmering under low heat for another 15 minutes. Then let stand until you’re ready to serve.
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| It's ready to eat! Serve and enjoy! |
Taste the soup. The sweetness of the squash will come out with just a touch of honey flavor. Your palette will get a rush of creamy aromatics from the vegetables with a nice blend of earthiness provided by the sage. Enjoy!
Monday, November 22, 2010
The 2601 Penn Controversy
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
The 2601 Penn Controversy
This unsuspecting house may be on its way out. But this house is more than just a place where somebody could live, it’s a symbol. Many in the community are clamoring for it to be demolished like angry villagers at the gates of the keep with torches and pitchforks. 2601 Penn Avenue North has been a criminal hot spot for quite some time, so who could blame the mob for feeling the way they do?
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| 2601 Penn Avenue North |
Well, before the mob gets their way I’m going to step in and say that this property should be saved. Why? First of all, I think we’re getting carried away with demolitions for starters. In a one block radius from where I live, I’ve seen two properties demolished that shouldn’t have had it coming. Yet, the burned out vacant crack house across the street still stands. This is proof to me that we’re just shooting our proverbial wad on whatever face we can hit.
2601 Penn sits across the street from one of the most miserable excuses for a gas station I’ve ever seen. On the other side of 26th sits the abandoned gas station that may become a bike shop; maybe, I’m cautiously optimistic. And kitty-corner sits the prison outpost owned by notorious slumlord, Keith Reitman.
So what are we waiting for? Let’s tear that som-bitch down! Now hold on just a god damned minute. Penn is slated to get a shiny new light rail system. Assuming the paranoid plebeians resisting the light rail’s coming remove their ostrich heads from the ground and get some oxygen in their brains. With the light rail rumbling down the street, any business operating anywhere near Broadway and Penn will stand to gain enormous potential foot traffic. I know this for a fact because I grew up riding street cars and subways. So let’s work with what we have and revive the existing structures and encourage businesses to move into them.
It’s not as if that idea is a reinvention of the wheel. You can find this proof of concept in action all over the place. The images below are examples of St.Paul’s Red Balloon Book Shop and street side office space. The other images show an antique shop, a Nepalese arts and crafts store, and the Duplex Restaurant on Hennepin Avenue.
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| The Red Balloon Bookshop on the left and office space on the right. |
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| An antique shop near 28th & Hennepin. |
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| Hennepin Avenue, Duplex Restaurant on the left and an arts and crafts shop on the right. |
So hey, go ahead and tear down all the properties on Penn if you want to, but what is that going to accomplish? You can’t do business and run light commercial business out of a place that doesn’t exist. Certain advocates of the pro demolish everything in sight movement have explained to me that building apartment buildings on Penn is the answer. I disrespectfully disagree. Seriously? The whole point of urban living in dense apartments is because of the convenience. Why do people live in the Cobalt Condominiums on Central and University? Because there’s a grocery store, a clinic, a hair salon, a liquor store, retail shopping, and countless dining establishments. On the flip side, taking the Field of Dreams approach and thinking that building some random high density tenements is going to attract flocks of newcomers is simply naïve. If Penn has no amenities, who’s going to want to live on a busy street that has nothing but gas stations and drug dealers? Meanwhile, the problem of abundant, blighted, and uninhabited housing hasn’t been solved.
If the community wants foot traffic on Penn—the retail money spending kind—then they need to have a reason to be there in the first place. Let’s save the structures worth saving, like 2601 Penn, and create a business friendly—NOT rentals—environment that will help spur economic growth in our communities that Penn runs through. Your thoughts?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A Non-Partisan Party
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
A Non-Partisan Party
Last night Minnesota DFL Chair, Brian Melendez, hosted a non-partisan party at his Minneapolis home. This blogger made the guest list. That’s right, I’m kind of a big deal around here, ya know? Ha ha! Just kidding… Anyway, this event was your traditional cocktail party done up in contemporary style. The party was graced with all kinds of people with all kinds of political affiliations.
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| Our hosts for the evening. |
Our host, Mr. Melendez, offered me a cigar. It was a Romeo and Juliet, so naturally I accepted it. I’m a novice when it comes to smoking cigars however, the Hawthorne Hawkman is not. The man strode out on to the porch where we were smoking and quickly accepted the cigar he was offered. HH then proceeded to light it with unparalleled precision. Twenty minutes into the smoke, both of us had some impressive ash. Immediately a competition ensued to see who could get the bigger ash. Ten minutes later, my ash would fall to the ground first. A minute or so after that, so would the HH’s. With smug pride, Hawthorne Hawkman declared victory in the competition. I reminded him that my ash was bigger. He responded by saying that his ash lasted longer. The one woman standing out there with us must have been rolling her eyes at that point; as college humor mixed with masculine competitions never gets old. I conceded defeat. Not a big deal, it was HH’s revenge for losing out in the power tie competition from the Peace Ball a while back.
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| Competition for the biggest cigar ash. |
Back inside the house, I spent the next hour or so chatting with a variety of Democrats, Greens and independent media types. The main floor was plenty large, so I took the opportunity to do some people watching. One of the Greens had cornered one of my friends and chatted his ear off about repealing some public restroom ordinance related to GLBT concerns. Not really my cup of tea, so I moved on. Oh look, there’s Farheen Hakeem. Best to steer clear of that one and go to the next room; visions of the January 2009 JACC press conference flashed before me. I made my way back to the kitchen after refilling my glass; oh this was going to be good. Mr. GLBT and a representative of the Native American community started swapping race and orientation jokes. It was fun being a fly on that wall. Another fifteen or twenty minutes elapsed and it was time to refill the wine as the glass runneth dry once again.
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| Yes, I'm making fun of my own elitism! Where's the Grey Poupon? |
There’s a point in time when you’re at a party where you really don’t care what the color of the wine is that you’re pouring into the glass; one must be well plied if they’re going to stand around for hours socializing with complete strangers. After passing someone the Grey Poupon, (just kidding) I found myself chatting with the one Republican that actually lost a race for state office. The encounter started with him looking over at my name tag. Wondering who I was, he asked what I do and where I was from. I gave my standard scripted answer which involves saying which neighborhood I reside in and what my role is with the local volunteer organization is. He looked me up and down, and with a puzzled expression on his face he said, “Where’s your gun?” “Gun?” I said. “Yeah, how can you live in North Minneapolis without a gun?” he replied with gusto and attitude that was full of pompous, judgmental pride. This guy obviously had it coming so I made sure to be as stuck-up and as Freudian as possible in my response. “Yes, typical, almost all of you South Siders have an exaggerated perception of the North Side.” How was that for snottiness? Years of living in North has taught me how to deal with the pretentious comments and questions that Southies, Nordeasters and suburbanites send my way. “Well you live on the edge of it.” The man responded. I gave a condescending laugh and said, “Jordan’s right in the middle of it. By the way, where are you from?” “Powderhorn.” He replied. Funny how the biggest anti-NoMi people seem to come from places like Powerderhorn, Seward, Marshall Terrace, and Logan Park. So I live in a neighborhood that’s filled to the brim with urban blight and crime, I get it. But I’m not going to take a load of crap from some hipsters that wait tables, while living in some crummy duplex, and struggle to make their Kia payments every month. Fuck that. The man back-pedaled from his previous comments, and we were at last able to have a normal conversation about politics.
Overall, this was a wonderful party. I look forward to going to many more like it in the future.
Driving the Fatality Freeway
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
1st Up: Driving the Fatality Freeway
Saturday night and early Sunday morning, 11/20-21, were horrible times to be driving. I’m glad I made it back home in one piece to tell the tale. Bitching about the weather is a Minnesota tradition, but this stuff here was just off the hook.
While hanging out in South Minneapolis, I had the unfortunate luck to bare witness to a senior slip and fall down the front stairs of the place I was visiting. Fortunately she was uninjured. A light mist had been coating all the surfaces of Minneapolis. Normally this would be harmless, but tonight it had the insidious effect of freezing as it was just cold enough. All the exposed concrete surfaces were glazed over with this eerie and reflective coating of pure ice. There was no traction to be had anywhere.
My walk back to the car was the slowest and most slippery experience I think I have ever taken; ever. What had originally taken me a minute at most the first time, felt more like ten minutes the second time around. Once I finally made it back to the car, I discovered it had been covered in the same shimmering and nearly impervious ice layer as everything else. I wasn’t going anywhere, at least not for a while. I cranked the defroster to full power and waited. I reached for my ice chipper, but alas, my dumbass hadn’t put it back in the car yet. Another ten minutes went by where I ran the wipers and sprayed wiper fluid in conjunction with the luke warm defrosting heat, which was all the cold engine could produce.
Finally I was off. I nearly slid through the first stop light even in spite of the fact that I approached the intersection at a snail’s pace. My drive up Hennepin was slow and measured. Which way to go, 94 or Lyndale? I took 94 because it has no lights and would probably be safer. Right? Wrong!
The instant I merged onto the freeway I was stunned. Car accident after accident littered the road. Multi-car pileups with vehicles facing random directions as if they were on the set of one of those Hollywood natural disaster movies were everywhere. I stayed as far away from the mess as I could, but felt obliged to take some pictures to show what it’s like if people don’t drive with care when dangerous road conditions exist.
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| Somebody skated into the back of the Walmart truck. |
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| Hard to tell, but that's a pileup ahead. |
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| There's a crashed vehicle on the left. |
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| Two more crashed vehicles on the left. |
Jerk Du Jour: Weather Gods
Less than two weeks ago it was 70 degrees, but now it’s freezing with some lethally dangerous ice thrown in for good measure. Wouldn't it be nice if the weather changes were a bit more subtle? 70 one week, the ice slick of death the next week; what's on the horizon for Turkey day? The blizzard of the century or a wilting heat wave?
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| Tuesday, November 9th and it's 69 degrees. |
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| Wednesday, November 10th and it's 70 degrees. |
Friday, November 19, 2010
Say Goodbye to 1600 22nd Avenue North
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
Say Goodbye to 1600 22nd Avenue North
Look at this rather unassuming NoMi house. Do you see anything special about it? If your answer is no, well you’re right because neither do I. No broken windows, no boarded windows, and no obvious signs of dilapidation.
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| 1600 22nd Avenue North, Minneapolis MN 55411 |
Now you see it, and now you don’t! That’s right, as of today 1600 22nd Avenue North is history. They tore it down with lightning speed. I just went down the street yesterday, and it was there. No papers taped to the door, nothing stating that the house failed to meet some standard.
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| Shazam! Gone just like that! |
As a matter of fact, I was inside this house four years ago when I was considering buying it. I was surprised by how good a condition it was in. It needed some major aesthetical updates, but that’s typical after somebody who’s spent their entire life in a house leaves.
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| Watch out to the house in the background, you may be next! |
I really wish the wrecking crews were directed to focus on tearing down piece of shit slumlord houses that haven’t seen a minute’s worth of maintenance in the last twenty years.
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| One of the guys doing his thing... |
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| With great power comes great responsibility. |
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| They've got demolitions down to a science thanks to much practice. |
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| The hay truck carrying the residential tombstone, the thatch mat. |
Oh well, I’m really sorry to see this one go…
Strange Politics at NRP
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
1st Up: Strange Politics at NRP
Neighborhood Revitalization Program; this has been the vehicle for which a significant number of neighborhood non-profits in Minneapolis have been able to operate from.
On Thursday the 18th, I attended an election for the NRP Policy Board. An electorate from each of Minneapolis’s neighborhoods was present—except for Bottineau—to cast a vote for the primary and alternates of the following board positions; At Large, Redirection, Protection, and Revitalization. I was present in an official capacity as the Jordan electorate. Jordan is designated as a “Revitalization” neighborhood, therefore I would be voting for the At Large and Revitalization board positions. Linden Hills would vote for “Protection” and Elliot Park would vote for “Redirection” positions. How all this was divvied up is a mystery to me.
As you may or may not know, NRP’s funding has been cut by the City Council. This means that NRP’s days are numbered. Well, not in the immediate future, this organization still has another five years of operating left before the well runs dry, but most of the candidates made it sound like NRP was like Old Shep. Pa says Old Shep’s had a good run, as he takes the old dog back behind the shed and puts him down.
There was some competition amongst the candidates for the At Large position of the policy board. It was mildly amusing to watch them stumble over their own words, terrified of public speaking. Tamara Ward was a candidate for the position… She was a no show. Naturally she lost. Next came Christopher Shepard. As a Minneapolis veteran—5 months—Christopher Shepard toted his experience of living in New York—because that really appeals to… well, not very many people—for years. Shepard, a newbie to Minneapolis and stay at home father, tripped over himself continuously, and started every sentence off with a ceremonial “Ummmm”, followed by several more for good measure. Shepard lost to Wizard Marks for the Alternate seat in a recount. Yes, there was a recount! You know it can’t be politics in Minnesota if there isn’t a god damned recount. So, yeah…. Wizard Marks… That’s a real name. She was straight forward and direct. That’s nice. She didn’t get my vote, because she said that neighborhoods were blossoming—I can’t think of a NoMi neighborhood I would describe as blossoming—which is why I didn’t vote for her. She said a bunch of things that just sounded idiotic to me, but the electorate spoke. Wizard Marks will get to serve another term at Hogwarts. Debbie Evans won the primary At Large seat. She was able to speak about granular subject matter, and seemed reasonably competent. Unfortunately, she’s from Linden Hills—Lake District Limousine Liberals—so the lingering odor of yuppiness was all over her. However, she was most qualified and I cast my vote for Debbie Evans. Evans won with a crushing majority.
Next up, the “Revitalization” vote. The other groups broke off and went into different conference rooms. Who were our fierce competitors? Gordon R. Kepner and DeWayne Townsend. The competition began with the standard opening summary to be given by the first candidate, Mr. Kepner. Kepner stood in front of the audience and said, “Don’t vote for me! Vote for DeWayne Townsend!” Say what? I don’t think I’ve ever heard somebody running for an elected position say that before without it being in a comedy movie.
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| Young bucks full of energy and fresh ideas ready to lead NRP to the AARP Senior Ball. |
Comment cards with questions from the audience were passed up, and the moderator read and posed both candidates with questions. Questions like, what would you do to market the success of NRP? Also, how would you engage the neighborhoods? And we got answers like, “I don’t know how to market in other neighborhoods, I only know Prospect Park” and “I’ve spent the last 38 years in Longfellow, don’t know southwest.” Ok, that wasn’t very confidence inspiring. Also got answers like “I’ve never been invited to a neighborhood board meeting” while referencing other neighborhoods. Wow, these guys are really tip-top, I thought to myself. Anyway, Kepner was guaranteed the alternate seat, and naturally Townsend won by a crushing majority.
Jerk Du Jour: The Six Shooter
While I’m away at the NRP meeting, it comes to my attention that somebody’s going around 22nd & Irving firing their gun. This douche bag fired six rounds off. Who knows where? We’re working hard to keep the peace, so if anybody sees a guy running around waving a gun just randomly shooting, feel free to run him over. Then backup over him for good measure… You have my permission.
The Six Shooter… Today’s Jerk Du Jour!
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