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Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Housing Committee
2:05 AM | 
Posted by
The I.I. |
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
The Housing Committee
Some of you were probably thinking I was going to say something controversial about JACC, huh? Nice try; this thread talks about nothing of the sort. Sorry trolls.
Remember that ridiculous storm I walked through? That wasn’t so I could push snow lodged cars, take blizzard pictures, or get called the N*word by some suburban schmuck in a minivan. The plan was to get together with my friends, play Monopoly, and get drunk! The precious cargo I referred to in the previous post was in fact my Monopoly board game.
 |
| Good times! |
After warming up and getting a nice buzz, we setup shop on the dining room table. It was me versus a pair of NoMi property / real estate experts. One of my opponents was none other than the Hawthorne Hawkman; the Housing Director himself. The odds were against me.
The game started off with the usual wheeling and dealing of buying properties and paying luxury taxes, advancing tokens to Boardwalk, and all the usual shit. A tug of war ensued between my opponents over the green properties like Pennsylvania Avenue, and the el-cheapy properties on the flip side of Go. Meanwhile, I quietly acquired railroads, Marvin Gardens, and Ventnor Place while they duked it out.
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| The future of the game is right here. |
This game hit a turning point when my other opponent, had acquired all the red properties and was about to make a power play. Not wanting to be outdone, H.H. acquired all the cheap properties up to the jail and loaded them up with pre-fabed Dream Homes. He traded a yellow property and a railroad to me so that he could have his empire of Koenig style Dream Homes in that shitty part of town. I landed on one of these crummy crack shacks. As I recall, they were so run down and nasty, that even the rats scurrying amongst the trash and half rotted drywall didn’t know who their fathers were. Indeed, this was a most unpleasant step down; even from 2207 Irving! I paid my now slumlord opponent his $100 and was gladly on my way.
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| Look at all of those slummy properties. |
My opponents were giving me a nice steady income by jet-setting around the country on my railroads, but not enough to give me a distinct advantage. However, things were about to change. The Real Estate Queen—a.k.a. R.E.Q.—sitting across from me had over leveraged herself Bear Stearns style. She had the most properties, but had exhausted her capital reserves AIG style by buying up everything in sight. Alas there were no financial resources available to develop Kentucky or Illinois Avenue.
Thanks to my careful financial management and superior business acumen, I had sufficient capital to build high quality—you hear that H.H.?—housing on my yellow properties. My high flying opponents were obliged to land on my yellow properties and stay in the fancy developments I had prepared to suit their jet-setting lifestyles. Unfortunately, the R.E.Q. was forced to mortgage half her properties instantly. Stock holders panicked, and investors ran for cover. A bank bailout was the only thing that kept this adversary in the game. Meanwhile, due to some shady dealings, the H.H. found himself stuck in jail—as in do not pass Go, do not collect $200—he wasn’t going anywhere.
H.H. nickel and dimed me and the R.E.Q. from his perch in prison, but eventually he was a free man. Both of my opponents were in the Tennessee Avenue area, and I had them both right where I wanted them.
R.E.Q. rolled high and advanced the Iron token to Ventnor Place. As it turns out; staying in the penthouse suite and calling up room service ten times a day for bottles Dom Perignon 1992, proves to be very expensive. $1,150 to stay in the four star Irving Inquisition Hotel. Pay up sister! This isn’t the March of Dimes. Jumping out of R.E.Q. Enterprises by means of a golden parachute, my opponent’s real estate empire was laid waste and all of those undeveloped properties were seized by the bank at auction.
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| $$$$$ at Ventnor Avenue. |
It was just me and my slumlord opponent now… H.H. rolled high and he too would visit the legendary Irving Inquisition Hotel at Ventnor Place. Unfortunately, publicity of said event lead to a most untimely booking of the main floor’s convention center rooms for urban renewal works groups; populated by angry residents of Baltic and Oriental Avenues. Mobs of angry citizens were flanked by municipal politicians, photo journalists, and bloggers from some half-assed outfit known as the Newton Avenue Noise. A full scale stampede roared through the hotel’s lobby, destroying everything in its path, even crushing an unsuspecting elderly woman by the name of Jeana Yeltos. A pity really; the only reason why she had been there in the first place was to talk about bylaws changes at the Mediterranean Avenue Community Council. Quite an irony in retrospect, considering the former Ms.Yeltos owned an uninhabitable boarded up Dream Home on Connecticut Avenue while residing in a dramatically nicer Indiana Avenue property. While this in of itself is considered to be a flagrant violation of the Oriental Avenue Neighborhood Council’s own bylaws, the erroneous oversight was rendered irrelevant by Ms. Yeltos’ untimely demise when the angry mob ran her over like Black Friday Wal-Mart customers, stampeding Italian Soccer fan style in a manner that would give even the most uncreative fly on the wall an impression of a Michigan / Ohio State game pumped up on horse steroids. All of this death, wonton destruction, and not to mention collateral damage to MY hotel property; just to catch up with the defunct, Monopoly slumlord, the Hawthorne Hawkman.
Epilogue…
Valiant efforts were made by a kind, albeit naïve gentlemen hailing from St. James Place to bring in tax assessors and other beaurocrats to be “fair” to this slumlord. In the end, H.H. declared bankruptcy, his Dream Homes were foreclosed, boarded, seized by banks, broken into, had copper stolen, re-boarded, broken into again, burned out, brothelized, boarded yet again, and then finally demolished.
Ummmm, yeah… We played Monopoly and I won.
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15 comments:
Man, and I thought FOR SURE my plan of buying the crummiest properties in the cheapest part of town would make me big bucks! And if you notice, whenever someone rolled the dice and it shook the board so the houses were a little off-kilter, I didn't even bother straightening them up. What would be the point? That wouldn't have affected my cash flow - which, admittedly, was minimal - at all.
Yet somehow--SOMEHOW--the plan of buying on the cheap and not maintaining just led to my eventual foreclosure at the hands of the Irving Inquisition.
Your story about trekking through the snow storm to walk to Connie's house to drink with Connie and Jeff might have been fun and cute if you didn't start taking unnecessary pot shots at other community members who had nothing to do with your snow storm drinking binge. "Half assed outfit called Newton Ave Noise" and "Jeana Yeltos" Why do John, Megan and Georgeanne Yantos need to be dragged into your misery?
@ Anon 7:35,
Awww, a bit thin skinned are we? The story is a satirical parody. Nobody you mentioned was addressed in this thread by name. You may be presuming too much.
On the flip side of that coin; I just love how offended you are by the story. Referring to the story as being "misery" and all, its an LMFAO good time at your expense.
There there, you don't have to cry.
To the anon 7:35 commenter,
Who cares? Not me. There's more to get worked up about in this world than that.
From,
Half-assed noise maker
To HH. Let's say one buys a very clean and up to date (newer mechanicals and roof)3 bedroom house for $20,000 cash (check MLS - there are still lots of these still available)and spends $5,000 for painting and new carpet. He rents it for %950 with tenant paying all utilities. Hummmmm, he's got a a minimum 40% cash on cash return. Where the heck do you ever legally touch that kind of return, huh????
@ Anon 9:08,
You forgot about the part that those tenants are Section 8, and they tear up the house. After you get fined to all hell, your house is then labeled as a nuisance property. You no longer have the cash flow because the tenants were forced to leave--or you lose your rental license--and your house is now just a piece of shit, empty crack house.
C'mon man, you know this drill. We've lived through it over, and over, and over again.
I like that. Megan is hereby dubbed "The Newton Avenue Noise". And in full-ass.
Even I can tell that Anon 7:35 is someone who just wants the names of the people parodied to be searchable. Since Jim Watkins doesn't live in the state and isn't familiar enough with the people involved to write this post, and since Connie apparently didn't want her own name associated with this post, this particular troll must be Don Allen.
If you guys were playing with NoMi Rules you could have had multiple monopoly pieces listed under separate LLC's.
You would have been able to finance the purchase and development of properties and homes from the community fund.
Also, you never needed to wait for someone to land on your property because section 8 would provide continual cash flow.
And when you had financial problems you could just dump the property back on the city and buy another property that someone had already trashed. No need to fix it up, just throw homes on it.
And every other Chance Card is a Get out of Jail Free card because no one has to take responsibility.
@ 10:59 - Agreed! I do everything full-ass - I don't half-ass anything. If you are going to do something, do it right. Right?
:-)
Meh. Parody of something that was already pretend anyways? Probably not a good literary recipe.
Pro'lly should leave the parody writing to JNS, he seems to have it down pat.
@ Anon 3:47,
In case you hadn't noticed, I'll write what I want, when I want, and how I want. This is MY blog.
If you don't like it.... Leave.
Well anyhow..... Antoine Dodson is on his way to stardom and you discovered him. Agent Royalty at your service.You have a keen eye for talent.....but can't drive a damn bit.
@Anon 7:45pm really thinks Irving Inquisition discovered Antonie Dodson? Puhleeze, Antoine's 15 minutes of fame were well past the one hour mark when Irving posted a video. That shit was old.
Hey, 847, just going by what i read in the Star and Tribune last week about the young mans You Tube video being the number one viral smash hit of all time. I know, that was so one hour ago...you're a shit for brains dumbfuck.
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