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Thursday, July 22, 2010
Go for a Ride on the North Side!
3:22 PM | 
Posted by
The I.I. |
This blog thread posted by the Irving Inquisition uses some explicit language, as well as depicting some aspects of life in North Minneapolis that some readers may find objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.
1st Up: Ghetto Cruisers
Driving through Minneapolis is typically a frustrating experience for any motorist. Porous and sometime crater sized potholes litter the landscape, construction crews working at important places at the least convenient times, and bad drivers everywhere. It really doesn’t matter where in Minneapolis you are; you’re going to run into something like this anywhere in the city. However, not everything is all the same wherever you go. Come to the north side for a change of pace.
When you cross the bridge over the Mississippi river you’ll find yourself on West Broadway. The mundane landscape of Toyota Corollas and Honda Accords is replaced by a dreary harkening back to the 90’s, 80’s and even the 70’s. Behold the Ghetto Cruisers! These are the cars that reflect their owners’ poor taste in aesthetics all while at the same time casting a brazen message to law enforcement begging to be pulled over. Ironically, these cars are often the nicest possessions their owners have. That’s why a drive around the hood will often reveal these cars parked in front of some of the nastiest junk shacks in the city.
Here’s a typical ghetto cruiser, an old Chevy Caprice from the 80’s, with huge rims. For some reason it’s really popular to take an old, inferior, American car and thug it out. The installation of the super glossy and reflective rims will certainly catch your eye, but never mind about the part that the car they’re supporting doesn’t have the suspension capability for the performance driving that fancy rims and low profile tires are designed for. Huh?? What’s that!?!?!? I can’t hear you! There’s too much loud booming coming from that car for me to understand what you’re saying!!! Most people wouldn’t be caught dead in one of these. Then again, it’s possible the driver may be found dead in one of these someday… considering their high risk profession.
It’s not uncommon to see an $80,000 Mercedes or BMW driving around the hood. Naturally the vehicle has been thugged out so that it may blend in with its environment. On television, people generally driving cars like these are famous musicians and athletes. They can legitimately afford to own one of these things. When was the last time you heard of a famous celebrity that drives an ultra expensive car driving through North Minneapolis? Can’t think of a time? That’s because this is a drug dealer’s car. The Ueber thug drives this car. Driving one of these may as well be suicide for its owner—go to jail or get murdered—but I really think that under sells all the homicide that goes along with it. You don’t think he’s able to afford this ride because he’s a nice guy do you?
Then we come to the poser cars. This is the car that thugs will be driving around doing drug deals with in 10 or 20 years. But for now, this is Mama’s car. Since she’s the only one in the house with a job, she can barely—not really—afford the payments. Chrome, low profile tires, and lots of tint come standard on this ride.
You can’t go for a joy ride through Thug Country without seeing several of these. Minneapolis Police sports the Crown Victoria. This aging vehicle is designed to go fast in a straight line. It can’t handle for shit, but that’s not so important because your average ghetto cruiser has a pretty hefty performance impediment from those ridiculous rims and messed up suspension. Note how the side of the cop car says “To Protect with Courage, To Serve with Compassion” on the side. Pandering like that makes me grow a big rubbery one; especially when I see a squad car flip on his flashers to run a red light at Broadway and Lyndale, only to turn it off on the other side of the intersection and keep on driving…Jerk Du Jour: Red Cirrus Driver
What kind of asshole parks their car in the alley in a way that’s going to block traffic like that? Is there something wrong with parking on the street like everybody else?
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9 comments:
LOL! No black Escalade? I actually have some affection for the tricked out older cars, since they demonstrate creativity and personality, even if they are paid for with drug money. How often do you see a car driving down the street that actually makes you laugh out loud? That's something!
What are you kidding me? Escalades are so 2005. :)
And what about the legendary gold Cadillac, the king of all ghetto cruisers? Striking in its gaudiness, but so elusive that it is rarely photographed, leading people to wonder if it is just a myth.
Indeed, while Caddies grow on trees in this part of town, the gold one is like a unicorn.
ROFLMAO
I had no idea my ghetto cruiser was paid for with drug money
You have to remember these folks have a completely differant outlook on life.They are clueless to what it takes to maintain a property from going to work so you can make the mortgage payments ,pay the taxes,doing improvements,a simple thing like cutting the grass picking up trash and litter,and god forbid we ever master the use of trash can,or use trash bags so it doesn't end up on the ground and blow all over the neigborhood. What says more about a person, a shiney ghetto cruiser or a trashed out house!
I saw a gold Cadillac on West Broadway the other day. Alas, I did not have a camera handy. But I thought of you guys and LOLed!
What about the mid 90's car missing a side mirror, part of a bumper, and (from the sounds of it) most of the exhaust system?
My personal favorite is the conversion van. I don't know of any other part of the city where you can drive down the block and see 2 rusted out conversion vans parked on any given street. You can't live in them in the winter right?
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